Men’s experiences of aggression and control

Dr Liz Bates

My PhD research explored the prevalence and correlates of men’s and women’s violence towards their partners.  One of my key findings was that women are just as violent and controlling as men are in relationships.  As a finding, despite utilising rigorous scientific methodology, it has been controversial and often criticised due to the issues we currently experience as a society in terms of accepting women’s violence and men’s victimisation. Organisations and researchers that work with women are often unconvinced that a woman’s violence can be as impactful; they often cite the example of a man slapping a woman being more physically impactful than a woman slapping a man.  Indeed, Michael Johnson in his 2008 book suggested “When a woman slaps her husband in the heat of an argument, it is unlikely to be interpreted by him as a serious attempt to do him physical harm.  In fact, it is likely to be seen as a quaint form of feminine communication”. 

I know from my work with Mankind, the only national charity supporting male victims of domestic violence, that men experience significant abuse from their female partners.  As a consequence, I wanted the next piece of research I did to explore men’s experiences in more depth by utilising qualitative methods. I launched an open-ended online questionnaire that asked men about their experiences around conflict, aggression and control in relationships with women.  After originally hoping to get around 50 responses, I was overwhelmed to find my final participant number was 160 with 14 men offering to do further follow-up interviews. 

  

The findings revealed men’s experiences were significant, impactful and had long lasting effects.  They reported experiences of physical aggression that ranged from pushing and shoving, to slapping and using weapons.  Men often spoke of this occurring when they were either falling asleep or asleep, so when they were physically vulnerable to abuse.  Some of their quotes are listed below:

“…throwing anything she could get her hands on from tv remotes to ornaments. I used to get punched, slapped and kicked as well” 

“There will be slapping, scratching, pushing, pulling, blocking exit from a room, spitting, sometimes kicking or throwing things.”

“70% of the time it would be verbal with shouting and threats. 30% would involve violence. Normally  when I was unaware. Sleeping or in the shower, bath or toilet.”
 

“She has woken up in the middle of the night hitting me”

 

Bi-directional violence, where both members of the couple are perpetrators and victims, is very common in relationships where there is violence but in this study, many men reported their lack of retaliation which was rooted in fear or chivalrous values:

“I was raised to never ever ever hit a woman, so I never fought back, I just covered my face and backed away from her the best I could”

“No I didn’t respond, because I was scared”

“I have never attacked her or fought back at all.  I have tried to restrain her at times to prevent her from attacking me.  The problem with that is that she would then show me bruises a couple of days later and tell me that she could report me to the police for assault and that they would believe her story.”

For me, control and controlling behaviour has always been one of the most interesting aspects of this area.  Long since talked of as a tool men use towards women, I have always believed women had the capacity to be controlling based on the types of behaviours girls use when bullying as children – indirect methods like spreading rumours, social ostracising, isolating. Preliminary findings revealed the following themes around the use of coercive control within men’s experiences:

  

  

Men reported experiencing a variety of different methods of control, most had the result of leaving them isolated and dependent on their partner:

“She controlled my friendships and controlled my contact with my family…This would include logging onto my emails and sending emails to my family pretending to be me” 

“Yes, she totally manipulated the relationships I had with my own family trying to avoid contact with them or not seeing them and feeding me negative comments about them all the time…it was gradual you see and like the frog warmed up gently in the pan you do not see the abuse of the relationship creeping up and taking over you.”

“I have no friends now, my wife insisted I stop socialising as I was now with her and if I loved her I would not want to spend time with anyone else.”

“I was afraid to go spend time with friends because I didn't know what kind of minefield I’d be walking into when I got back home.”

One particular method of control was quite prevalent, that of Gaslighting which represents a means of manipulating someone psychologically that leaves them doubting their own sanity.  When I asked the men in my study if they had experienced this, many responded that they had:

“Yes I was constantly told I had remembered everything wrong and that I was mentally unwell for thinking these bad thoughts and that she only loved me.”

“This was part of the control.  When you only hear one voice it dominates”

“Yes, I didn't know that was a real thing, and didn't know it was called gas lighting, but it describes exactly what she did - that's the nail on the head there.”

 

The impact of their abusive experience was significant, many reported long term physical and mental health issues; this was still impacting despite, for some, the relationship having been over for many years.

  

When there are findings such as these demonstrating men’s experiences, the stigma associated with societal perceptions can be really damaging.  ManKind Initiative made a video to highlight just how different people’s perceptions are, by comparing the reactions to a male and female victim – see the video here.  

Similarly, there is a need to address issues in how men are targeted in domestic violence campaigns.  Some awareness raising campaigns target men in a less than supportive manner – rather than offering support it is accusatory and attacks men because they are men. I continue to raise awareness of male victims of domestic violence through my research at conferences and events.  At many events I have spoken at there has been at least one or two people who have expressed that they didn’t realise men were also victims; hopefully one day men will receive equal recognition, and so equal support and resources available to them.

 

If anyone has felt upset or distressed by anything they have read here, please note there is support available through these agencies:

Women’s Aid – Domestic Violence Service providing a wide range of services to women experiencing domestic abuse. 

0808 2000 247

Mankind Emotional support and practical advice for men experiencing domestic violence. 

01823 334244 

Galop – Support and advice for people in the LGBTQ+ community who are experiencing domestic violence

0800 999 5428

Dr Elizabeth Bates is one of our senior lecturers. If you would like to contact her, you can do so on: Elizabeth.Bates@cumbria.ac.uk 

You can also follow her on Twitter