What type of abuse can continue post-separation?

Dr Liz Bates

My research working with male victims of domestic violence has highlighted that they experience significant verbal and physical aggression, and coercive control (also known as emotional aggression or psychological aggression). In my large-scale qualitative study (see Bates, in press; Psychology of Men and Masculinity), they reported experiences of physical aggression that ranged from pushing and shoving, to slapping and using weapons. Men often spoke of this occurring when they were either falling asleep or asleep, so when they were physically more vulnerable to abuse. The experiences of control were clear within every man’s account; they described having their relationships with friends and family manipulated, becoming isolated, gaslighting, threats, their relationships with children being manipulated, and false allegations being made against them.

These experiences are impactful in terms of both their physical and mental health, and many of the men reported experiencing the effects of this long after the relationship had ended. These men further felt the impact of societal perceptions that exist around men’s experiences, and these often impacted on their help-seeking decisions. Indeed, there are significant barriers that exist to men seeking help and reporting to police, and these are seen on personal, social and structural levels (see Taylor & Bates, forthcoming).

One area where less is known about men’s experiences is that of how the abuse continues or changes post-separation. What we understand about these post-separations experiences largely comes from the literature on female victims of domestic violence; this literature details how the violence often escalates in the immediate period after separation and that control continues through manipulation of children or custody arrangements. We know from the social and crime surveys that this type of abuse is seen in both men’s and women’s accounts; for example, the Canadian General Social Survey revealed that 40% of women and 32% of men reported that some violence had occurred after the end of the relationship, yet less is known about men’s experiences.

As part of a set of follow-up interviews I conducted with a number of men from my original research described above, I explored how men’s experiences had changed or continued since the relationship had ended (see Bates, in press; Partner Abuse). The men within this sample (N=13) described pre-separation experiences of abuse that mirror what was described above in terms of significant aggression and control. They went on to describe ongoing experiences of coercive control post-separation through harassment, experiences of false allegations, and a strong theme of the continuation and escalation of this behaviour. A significant theme within many of the accounts from fathers was the way their ex-partner had manipulated the parental relationship. This occurred through withholding and manipulating contact, for example their ex-partner was either stopping contact with the child, or was manipulating the relationship to the degree that the child did not want contact with the father. In some cases, the child was used as a tool or “conduit” for the abuse such as being asked to pass abusive messages along. One man described that despite having sole custody of his daughter, his ex-partner from a distance was still trying to manipulate this by reporting to social services that the child was not being looked after properly.

These experiences continued to impact on the men in this study, some of the men described still feeling afraid of their ex-partner and feeling the effects of the abuse. For other men it has affected their choice to develop new relationships; some men described feeling afraid to get close to someone intimately again, whereas others had described the way it impacted on their experiences in their new relationship (e.g., through issues with trust).

The figure below depicts these themes:

The findings of this study raised several important issues that need to be considered, but one in particular was the way children were used as a tool of abuse. Parental alienation is a result of a child becoming separated or alienated from the parent; this can be through behaviours such as abuse or abandonment by a parent, but can also occur through one parent manipulating the child as a way to control interactions with the other (target) parent. This type of abuse is not currently included within UK definitions of domestic violence even with a growing body of literature that demonstrates these experiences in both mother’s and father’s accounts; this is despite calls from academics and service providers to include this.

It is essential that more research is done working with men who continue to experience domestic violence post-separation in order to fully understand the ways in which this manifests, how it impacts on them, and also the impact on their children. In a new study I am conducting with my colleague Dr Julie Taylor, we hope to understand how widespread these experiences are.

This study involves utilising an anonymous online survey made up of a number of open-ended questions. We chose this method for a number of reasons, but one key factor was the importance of anonymity. My previous larger-scale study found that a quarter of the men who took part had never told anyone before, and indeed ManKind Initiative have found that 71% of the callers would not have called if it was not an anonymous helpline. Previous studies have relied on data through helplines, interview data, and those where the men had to self-identify as being a victim of domestic violence. Whilst these studies have contributed significantly to our understanding of their experience, for many men, they do not identify as victims of domestic violence due to the societal stereotypes; furthermore, they often do not feel able to disclose their experience because of a number of barriers. Choosing this method was an attempt to capture a wider range of men’s experiences.

By developing a better understanding of the post-separation abuse men experience, it is hoped we can add to the literature that is needed to inform the development of policy and practice, for example including terms like parental alienation within definitions of domestic violence, and also to inform service provision that supports men during and after these experiences. Intervention is critical to help both the men impacted by these experiences, but also to safeguard the children and impact this has on them and their well-being.

For any man who feels this questionnaire may be relevant to them, then please find out more information here: questionnaire link

References:

Bates, E. A. (in press). “The whole time was like walking on egg shells”: A qualitative examination of men’s experiences of violence and control from female partners. Psychology of Men and Masculinity.

Bates, E. A. (in press). “I am still afraid of her”: Men’s experiences of post-separation abuse. Partner Abuse.

If anyone has felt upset or distressed by anything they have read here, please note there is support available through these agencies:

Women’s Aid – Domestic Violence Service providing a wide range of services to women experiencing domestic abuse.

0808 2000 247

Mankind Emotional support and practical advice for men experiencing domestic violence.

01823 334244

Galop – Support and advice for people in the LGBTQ+ community who are experiencing domestic violence

0800 999 5428